Musings On Growing Up – “Black Ink”

I’ve taken a break recently from blogging here. This blog is always a labor of love and has of course changed in many ways as my circumstances have altered. To be frank, the break has been good for me. I have always cringed at – yet accepted the rules and time constraints of toil as a normal diet of maturity. I think we all have.

I have been fortunate enough in my landscaping career to have encountered the tickling sensations of accomplishment, for which I am eternally grateful. It takes us nearer to an immortality as we devise what we suspect are permanent systems of substance for the pleasure of those to whom we labor. Both parties gain immeasurably – the client from his living aid – the contractor/designer from his gift to the world and his labors. His crew experience their own brushes with Righteousness as the projects close.

Work itself, as we all know, offers redemption as well as accomplishment. As Eric Hoffer says:

“No matter what our achievements might be, we think well of ourselves only in rare moments. We need people to bear witness against our inner judge, who keeps book on our shortcomings and transgressions. We need people to convince us that we are not as bad as we think we are.”

I agree. This is exactly why you need a waterfall!!!   😉  (Made by me!!)

Back to work…………and the reality of My Work:

On the negative end (at work) the injuries, the occasional dust-ups with anger from all sides, the incredibly helplessness in the face of a mean-spirited Weather God, bereft of humor save for Irony – all form an alternative Universe which seems to descend inexorably on us all.

What to make of all this? All these Opposites!

Recently, in the space of a month, the faces of the remote and oddly-disconnected Love and Death settled in, affecting my heart and soul to degrees I am scrambling to catch up with. Fate decided to present me with the exquisite pleasure of finally meeting someone who means as much to me as nearly anyone I’ve ever known. A reunion of souls occurred which had its origins here – on a computer. My virtual “family” became one in fact as an indescribably lovely series of events scrolled across my human life and perceptions like an Early Christmas for the Soul. I felt rich beyond measure as we conversed, face to face – as if I had done something very Right.

Subsequently, a dear Soul mate and member of my extended family passed away, God bless her. She loved me and my family extremely dearly, did Katie Short. Without resorting to the maudlin, I will just say it reminded me of something more obviously substantial as time goes on: that life compresses with age. Events actually gather momentum and stream helplessly as the Eternity imagined from Youth becomes less of that. The pain is real, much as was the Love I have gained from the former event.


On a lesser – but incredibly evocative and meaningful level – I also watched myself  literally “lose” 2 living friends, as emotional events created another graveyard – this one mired in vanity, loss and misperception. It made me wonder if somehow I had not been paying attention to the parallel Universe where persons and events smack together like loose Protons and Quarks, as we continue sightlessly forward, immeasurably confused about the human motives and all of our human frailties. Our tiny egos march ahead like lions as our suspected courage makes us less than we once were, robbing us of our destinies and presenting us with problems we must actually wait for others to decide on. The absolute, complete absurdity of life never stops………. and all we seem to be able to do is endure it. This is inarguable for us all. I have therefore finally learned something – “It is”, as they say, “what it is”.

Not much of a prize, is it?

Heavy thoughts on this Saturday morning.

It’s been a Summer of stunning emotional variety and not all of it good whatsoever. Challenged by these events, I feel somehow chastened – as if I am realizing truths and factoids which exist in the amazingly huge gaps between the human atoms.

I arrived to my 60’s like March does – with a roar and a massive red hot club, playing the crap out of softball, embracing an evolving life like a vain 18 year old. A couple years into it, I have gotten myself beat to crap, lol.

As I often quote Mike Hammer: “It was like the kiss at the end of a hot, wet fist.”  😉

Here’s an irony: I admit I do still feel pretty darn good. I now wonder if this blanket, unthinking optimism is some style of curse, leering at me like The Last Temptation. I know – I am waving my weenie at Fate Itself in this unusually sophomoric fantasy which recognizes pretty much my feelings as some sort of bottom line. In a sense, even a beaver or maybe even that tin can over there can see the futility of that.

Right now, I don’t think so. For better or for worse, I feel my connections to real folks and they warm me. When I analyze my wide-ranging and numerous life mistakes, they Tazer me back with massive, clinging regret and they cool me back down. My regrets are Huge. Massive. The tale of them forms a line of shame. These ‘faux pas’ could destroy anyone. I smile and nod and hug others, and I feel unworthy as hell sometimes. How does one live with his guilt, I often ponder?

I now realize this is life itself. Our mistakes are a field of accounting which never realizes Black Ink. Nor can we “take them back”.

I have come to believe we need to begin each and every day with a clean slate.  I know – it’s a perfect dodge, lol. But I confess this aphorism has more merit the more I entertain its relevance to this planet of ours:

“Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof” Matthew 6:34

2 thoughts on “Musings On Growing Up – “Black Ink”

  1. Mistakes, regret, “fax pas”, guilt. Those are all your perception. For someone who can speak to parallel lives, you know there is so much more than just this dimension.
    I see them as the occurrences, transitions, and challenges that have made you the incredible human being you are today; able to share with all of us your gift of insight.

  2. Jane, you have a soul mate in Annette who said the same thing. She called them choices and the subsequent directions of lives. I won’t attempt to make anyone else guilty, I promise, lol. She and you are correct. But we also use these images and words “of power” to stimulate us as the tools we need to navigate all this – that’s my take. Without evocative tools, we’d live in a Flat Land of one dimension, happy and dumb as hell, IMO. You know me – I like exploring a bit, seeing our commonalities and also our individual abilities – even if we discovered them “by accident”. How many times did you ponder being a woman who uses horses in psychotherapy as a child? Be honest, lol.

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